Wouldn't You Prefer a Nice Game of Chess?

Finally 20 years after Matthew Broderick played Wargames with the US and USSR there is a game that gives you the chance to wage Global Thermonuclear War!

Defcon was released a few months ago and offers up to 6 players (either online or on a home network) the chance to wage war against each other using nukes. The winner is determined in good old fashioned cold war stylee... the winner is the player still alive at the end!


"Wouldn't you prefer a nice game of chess?"


The Soviet Union will rise again!


You can even sneak subs right up to the coast and launch a devastating nuclear arsenal.

It's a very simplistic game and you can download a fully playable demo from the website (you are limited to a maximum of 2 players in the demo). In brief, it rocks!

The Simpsons

I am a Simpsons fan. I maintain that at it's height it was probably the most relevant and cutting television show in US history. There were always slapstick jokes (usually involving Homer causing himself unimaginable amounts of pain), but what made the show was it's willingness to challenge every viewpoint. what matters the most is that through Homer the makers of this show have been able to address our many prejudices and yet still keep people loving him. Homer has been openly xenophobic, homophobic, sexist and at times racist, but the joke always comes back onto him. The intelligent fans love him because he represents all elements of the average white (or yellow) westerner (good and bad).

Of course no show goes for 18 years without losing a level of originality. The Simpsons TV show is a shadow of its former self. It's been on a steady decline since Brad Bird left to become the genius behind several Pixar movies. It still has moments of genius (cue Fox News van driving past with 'Vote Bush/Cheney 2004' and the music 'We are the champions' playing - classic!), but they are so fleeting that the news of a movie did not exactly fill me with great hope. Like so many others I kept asking the question 'why didn't they make a movie 10 years ago?'.

However, despite my initial fears The Simpsons Movie is a marvelous success. It still lacks the freshness of a few years ago, and there are a few too many slapstick jokes, but at it's heart the movie does what very few big summer blockbusters ever manage to do. It lives up to the hype.

The central story is very silly, but still pays homage (or should that be homerage?) to a massive array of movies including An Inconvenient Truth, War of the Worlds, Titanic and The Truman Show. The jokes come so fast that a second viewing is actually essential and even when a joke doesn't work, it is followed up by another one that does.

If there is a downside, it's only that a movie like this cannot do justice to the hundreds of characters this Universe has created. Pretty much every characters gets on screen, but long time favourites like Mr Burns, Skinner and Moe deserve far more than one or two scenes. Mind you, if there isn't a sequel I would be surprised ;-)

And at the centre of everything is Homer. A man who is selfish, obnoxious and insensitive, yet remains the hero from start to finish. What is special about The Simpsons is that unlike most Hollywood movies, the hero isn't going to be improved by the the end, because that isn't the point. Homer always has some redemption, but he rarely learns his lesson which for me makes this movie more realistic than most films out this year. I often think the reason so many people hate The Simpsons is because people recognise that we all have a little bit of Homer in us!

If you don't like The Simpsons, don't go and see this movie, because if you haven't figured out what is funny about the show after 18 years, you sure as hell aren't gonna get this movie. If, like me, you are on the other side of the fence, get down to the cinema right now!

Is Brown really any better than Blair?

The press is really pushing Gordon Brown atm. He is so new and refreshing since taking over from the rancid corpse that was Tony Blair. He's gonna bring the troops home, distance himself from the US and show that silly little upstart in the Tories what a REAL leader is all about!

However, if you're like me and believe that foreign policy is far more important than domestic policy (you see foreign policy directly affects all aspects of domestic policy when you are a dependent nation like the UK), you'll see that Gordon Brown is not really that big an improvement on Blair.

He may be talking about pulling the troops out of Iraq, but this is something that is being demanded by many in the electorate anyway. Reacting to the electorate is not exactly rocket science (though it eluded Blair for most of his time in office). And I've got to say that if submitting to US demands for using RAF Menwith Hill for the ill-conceived missile shield is a sweetener for the US accepting our troop withdrawal then we our "special relationship" is no different to the one we had under Blair.

Announcing that the UK will permit the placement of radars and personnel at Menwith Hill via a statement to the commons hours before summer recess is nothing short of cowardice on the part of this government and it's Prime Minister.

It's reminiscent of that episode in the West Wing when the senior staff collect together all the bad bits of news to be announced on Friday ("trash day"), because most people don't read the papers on a Saturday.

Whether the missile shield works or not (and I don't believe for a second that it will offer much protection to US interests) is beside the point. It is a blatant act of warmongering aggression and one that will only lead to a major decline in relations with Russia and potentially China. I'm no fan of Putin but this new only gives him a reason to arm his nation further. For those who believe that Putin is a dictator who is hurting his own people, giving him an enemy to wage a cold war with is only going to solidify opinion in his country against the West rather than against him.

I will never understand the "special relationship". Shouldn't the role of every government be to garner strong relations with all nations? It doesn't even make sense from an economic standpoint. Most of our trade is with Europe, the commonwealth and the far east! Some nostalgic Brits go on about us positioning ourselves as experienced advisors to the new superpower. I mean we did control a quarter of the planet once. If this is the case then why is the special relationship so one-sided? It wasn't under Thatcher and Blair always dreamed of being just like Maggie!

All I know is that despite the rhetoric, Brown is no White Knight who is going to usher in a golden age for Britain. Unless you think having nuclear weapons aimed at North Yorkshire is a good thing, of course!

Transformers aka The Rock 5

As I sat watching Transformers at my local cinema a strange comparison popped into my head. Michael Bay is a lot like Derek Zoolander. You see Zoolander, despite being the hero of one of the greatest comedies of all time has only one look. Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face!

In the last 11 years Michael Bay has made only one movie. That movie was called ‘The Rock’ and since then he has remade the same movie over and over again. In fact, he probably holds the record for most remakes of the same movie, like ever!

For those who don’t know the Transformers story, it ain’t that special. Two sets of warring robots come down to Earth to do battle. And that’s about it really. The movie is an effort to bring a big budget family action paint job to a 1980s cartoon that should have been left to be remembered fondly. Naturally there were 30 year olds who screeched with joy at the news that their childhood heroes were on the way to the big screen. I was not one of them. I’ve never understood the adult love for transformers and I doubt I ever will. Like I said, I remember it fondly, but I wouldn’t want to own the DVDs now! But hey, fandom isn’t meant to make sense and I certainly have my own OTT fandom skeletons in the wardbrode!

I think what upset me from the moment Transformers was announced was the general Hollywood trend towards delving back 20-30 years and remaking, re-imagining, updating old shows and movies. The summer will always be the place for limited plot, high octane blockbusters and long may it continue, but at least the majority of blockbusters from ten years ago had a more original ring to them.

Summer 1997 saw the release of Men in Black, The Lost World, Air Force One, My Best Friends Wedding, Face Off, Con Air, Contact and Austin Powers. Now don’t get me wrong, not all of these were solid movies. Plus 1997 also saw the release of a certain Batman & Robin, but hopefully you see my point. On the whole, original summer movies varying from action to sci fi to comedy.

What about 20 years ago? Summer 1987 saw Full Metal Jacket, Predator, The Untouchables, Beverly Hills Cop 2, Dirty Dancing, Dragnet, La Bamba, Robocop, The Living Daylights, The Witches of Eastwick, Adventures in Babysitting, Innerspace and Spaceballs.

And what has Summer 2007 brought us? Spiderman 3, Shrek 3, Pirates 3, Transformers, Harry Potter 5, Fantastic Four 2, Die Hard 4, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Oceans 13, Knocked Up, Hairspray and 28 Weeks Later. I look through this list and only the romcom Knocked Up stands out for NOT being a sequel or movie/TV remake. Again, this is not meant as an attack on all sequels and remakes. I have enjoyed some of the movies listed above, but I do feel it illustrates the general trend of unoriginality sweeping across Hollywood.

Some may disagree, but I’ll take summer 1997 or 1987 over summer 2007 any day.

Anyway, I digress.

The news that Michael Bay was attached to direct Transformers took me very much over the edge. I don’t think any other mainstream director has ever polarised viewpoints quite like he does. Nonetheless I made it clear that I can rise above my own pre-conceptions. I have been proven wrong before and left the cinema with my faith restored in summertime movies (Pirates 3 being the most recent example).

And then I went to see the film.

For 45 minutes I sat there actually enjoying myself. My initial fears about Shia LaBeouf were unfounded. He has clearly learnt to temper his annoying arsehole persona with a little more subtlety. In fact even the de facto love story starts out relatively fresh with some comical scenes in which Bumblebee plays matchmaker.

Hell, I was even able to ignore the walking cliche US army Captain fighting to get home to be with his wife and new born kid (yawn) and marvel at the cool special effects in the opening battle.

Yes, I was even able to ignore the bit were the Pentagon called on all geeks out there to help them work out what was going on and rewarded us with the usual stereotypical group of young nerdy looking boys and one hot looking blond woman who was better than all of them put together. Despite the awfulness of it, I took it with a smile.

And then Optimus Prime and his mates showed up.

The rest of the film was truly awful. Optimus Prime, the great hero from my youth was just dull and his lines so bad I actually pitied him. You see the problem was that the film had blown its wad way too early. When you break it down it is just a bunch of robots fighting with a love story tacked on. And once you’ve seen a couple of robots fight the later battles become just plain boring. Oh look it’s a cgi robot transforming again and attacking another cgi robot. Yawn.

Shia LaBeouf and Bumblebee are the only redeeming features as the movie takes us from underground lairs to the centre of LA with little or no reason and onward toward a conclusion that offers no surprises whatsoever. The love story is forgotten (except for a few closeups of hands holding when things get scary) in favour of more action and louder explosions. Everything I could get from this movie, I got in the first 45 minutes.

And then there was Jar Jar Binks!

What I hear you cry. Yes, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse Michael Bay throws in the most annoying cgi character since Jar Jar as a seemingly indestructible mobile phone/cd player/whatever wreaks havoc for our heroes throughout the movie. I think the character was supposed to be evil but also provide some comic relief. Failed to be either really.

All this brings me back to my original point that Michael Bay has only made one movie. Transformers is just The Rock with robots. Just like Armageddon was just The Rock with a big asteroid and Pearl Harbour was just The Rock with Ben "gobble gobble" Affleck!

It isn’t spoiling it to say that LaBeouf gets the girl and they make out under a beautiful setting sun at the end. Nor that the brave Army Captain gets back to his wife for a heartwarming embrace under a beautiful sunset at the end. You’d have to be a complete moron to not see it coming! Afterall, this is exactly what happens to Nic Cage in The Rock, Ben Affleck in Pearl Harbour and Ben Affleck again in Armageddon.

Michael Bay has only one movie! The Rock? Armageddon? Pearl Harbour? The Island? Transformers? They’re the same movie! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

1-18-08

A trailer has now been released for the as yet untitled JJ Abrams produced movie. It's currently being advertised simply as 1-18-08 which is the release date.

This one is being kept massively underwraps and the makers are clearly trying to plug the JJ Abrams connection. It should be noted that he is the producer, not the writer or director of this flick. However, his involvement is likely to be more than casual.

The trailer is one of the best teasers I've seen in years, but we all know that this is not a guarantee of anything these days.

The director (Matt Reeves) is a relative unknown who has done quite a bit of TV work. Scarily, his only movie directorial credit is The Pallbearer... a truly woeful comedy with David Schwimmer. However, that was a long time ago, so maybe he's learnt a lot since then!

Interestingly it's written by the very talented Drew Goddard. He wrote some fantastic 7th season Buffy eps, along with a number of Angel, Alias and more recently Lost eps.

It's early days (i.e. this one could be truly fantastic or truly shit), but it's got the internet community in a full-on buzz.

Most people are ruling out this being a Godzilla remake (thank god!) while there have been rumblings about it being a Cthulhu movie. I guess we will have to wait until January to find out.

There's lots of viral marketing going on with this movie with fake sites and real sites being setup in connection with it. Lots of denials and counter claims about what sites are real and fake. Very intelligent marketing if you're into that kind of thing.

Here's hoping this one lives up to the buzz.

Official site